Nothing spookier than failing to achieve your quarantine goals.

Written and drawn by Justin Cannon


HUMOR

Did you like Tide Pods or did they leave a bad taste in your mouth?

Looks so cute I could just eat it! (Erik Binggeser via Unsplash)

Dear valued customer,

Before we kick things off, we want to go on record and say that we condemn the act of challenging people to eat Tide Pods on social media. Did it lead to our most profitable quarter in company history? Sure. Is it the spark we need to salvage an otherwise disastrous fiscal year 2020? Maybe! Regardless, we are legally obligated to dissuade you from partaking in any and all challenges involving the physical consumption of Tide Pods. Our goal with this ordinary, regularly timed survey is to create the best laundry detergent pods we can. …


HUMOR

Who’s really being held hostage?

RE: I have your son…

Hi there!

Hope you’re having a great Wednesday.

Thank you for confirming the whereabouts of our boy… we were starting to wonder why it was so quiet around the house! For context, ever since our son lost his job and moved back home (darn that COVID!), he’s been experimenting with new hobbies. Lately, it’s been the drums. We love and support our boy, but mom and dad need a break!

How about this, we’ll leave $55,000 in the mailbox by sundown and you keep him for a few more weeks. …


Adjusting to the “new normal” has been far from easy. And a big part of that is because we’re no longer able to enjoy the simple things we used to before COVID-19 banished us all to our living rooms. We can’t enjoy a few drinks at the bar, can’t go to the theater to catch the latest summer blockbuster and worst of all, we’re not allowed to chomp down on our fingernails when we get nervous. Now that our hands are have become chemical weapons designed to murder our grandmothers, we need safe alternatives to fingernail biting. …


As the subject of my auto reply suggests, I’m currently unable to respond to your message.

In an attempt to discover deeper meaning in my role here as Program Coordinator, I’ve taken a formidable dose of LSD and the walls of my apartment could very well swallow me up at any second.

I must remain alert and I appreciate your flexibility.

In my absence, please direct all correspondence to Molly in account services (molly@accountservices.com). She should respond in a timely fashion and will be much less likely to do so in bright pink comic sans and wingdings.

If, however, Molly…

Justin Cannon

Writer/ fingernail biter currently trying his best in New York City. His writing has appeared in Points in Case, Weekly Humorist and Little Old Lady Comedy.

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